How Absolutely Poo!

Oh SHIT!!!

What a shit day....and I mean that literally. Don't worry it was not me that lost control of my bowels.

Today a fellow nanny friend threw a birthday party..Fancy dress no less...kids galore were invited wearing quite appalling costumes....I say appalling in that it looked very cheap...you know very cheap plastic capes and terrible masks (am I very fussy considering these kids are all under ten and it is just a party??) and considering this is Dulwich, you honestly think the parents and nannies would ensure that the kids got their costumes from a authentic costume shop, not a cheap supermarket costume that probably has so many man made fibres it will do nothing but cause some kind of skin condition or other on the poor kids delicate little skins. The only one to look beautiful were my little charges, and that is because I am quite competitive and well known in the village and naturally I have to show my experience and knowledge by ensuring my charges look the part. My charges looked absolutely stunning.
I know fancy dresses are not about looking beautiful but even in her devil's costume, my oldest charge made it look beautiful, she got into the part of acting the devil as she threw quite a few tantrums, sadly this is not because of the costume, this is because she is leading up to her terrible twos and she is in practise already.

Anyway one of the boys who was invited to the party was upstairs for ages so the nanny hosting the party sent me on a mission to find him, I found his little partner in crime hanging by the bathroom door who gleefully announced to me the little boy has pooed himself and the floor!

I braced myself because me and poo do not go, I cannot even clean animals poo. The little boy was crouching under the sink, bum completed with poo facing me, smiling a devilish smile at me. I cussed silently under my breath (would have said it out loud but he is only 5 and not my kid).

I ordered his partner in crime to go about her business whilst I sort this poo doer out.

I told him off for getting poo on the floor, I said "how on earth does one manage to get poo on the floor?" he replied" I thought I was finished but I was not" I replied" If you were finished you would still be on the toilet to wipe your bottom, and because your bottom is dirty the tissue would be dirty which means you would have known that you were not finished" He went a lovely shade of red...and looked doleful...I then said "how did you manage to get poo on your socks?" he replied" I stepped into it by accident" I said" You are a big boy, too big for me to be telling you how to use the toilet, but you must clean your legs, and your bottom" and I gave him wet wipes to clean himself and he was getting shit all over his hands (This is the point in which I was struggling not to gag).....so I had to take a deep breath and help him clean his legs.....he knew I was NOT happy!!! I put lots of soap on his hands and gave him a huge lecture about the importance of washing his hands after using the loo, of flushing the toilet and of aiming for the toilet and not the floor.

There was no toilet brush to clean the skid marks so I had to get loads and loads of tissue paper and clean it....(gag) and then I had to clean the shit from the floor.....and I must have washed my hands 1000 times after (I think I might get a hand washing obsession now!!) As if I need an OCD to compete for attention with that nerve that throbs in the middle of my temple every time I get stressed ( which seems quite regularly these days) and how on earth does his parent sleep at night knowing their little son leaves poo on the floor? I mean, it is 2008!! There is no excuse for such animal behaviour! He must live in a zoo!

I put the shitty socks in a bag, and when his mother arrived to collect him I said "Your little boy had an accident, and here is a present for you" and gave her the pooey socks in a party bag which she put into her coat pocket. Oh gosh, and to think she is so posh and earns loads more money than me! And there she is walking around Dulwich like Lady Muck with Muck her in coat pocket...yuk!

I have had a shit day and I am going to have a shit week as I had to cancel seeing a gig due to the fact that it runs later then I thought and my friend and I live quite far from the venue where the gig is which makes getting home late impossible.

I also had to cancel a date because he lives way too far and it was a hassle trying to find somewhere half way....but on one positive note, I am going to on anon this weekend to get pissed and let my hair down, No doubt I will flirt with some poor bugger too, got to end this week on a high after my shitty start.....so anyone going to on anon, I suggest you run if you see me as I am on a mission to torment some poor unwilling victim.....yes....I am a horrible witch for life and not just for my career! Jo Frost ain't got nothing on me!!!

Oh, did I mention when I went to the comedy club at the EDT last weekend that I thought my friend spat in my eye whilst she was talking but in fact one of my contact len came out?, and I had to hunt for it as watching the acts whilst squinting through one eye was not an option. Also after we had a few too many vodkas, we decided to try on each others rings.....of course being drunk I dropped my very expensive diamond ring so I spent the duration of the last act on all fours hunting for my ring whilst the audience gave me daggers and the act tried not to let it distract him.....well, life is certainly exciting with me around!!!

I swear I saw Bea there...my former boss, one cannot miss her, she tends to talk rather loud and stands out from the crowd, she always has a small gathering of her hanger ons around her, kissing her ass, I am surprised she does not charge them rent for taking up residence up her backside! I stayed at the back...I did not want to risk bumping into her just yet, it was my weekend after all and after spending all week surrounded by rich posh brats and their equally bratty parents, I really really needed those vodkas more than Bea needed her gins!